Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Randomize
