she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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