On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There are leaves in my underwear?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
