ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
