im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
