Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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