I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
