The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
