if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
