This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
