Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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