My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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