He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You made out with two different species that night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
