i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
