Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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