I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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