I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
