Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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