It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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