cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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