You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
