and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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