How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
