so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
