my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
