If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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