the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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