Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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