the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
