I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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