the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
