I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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