My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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