the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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