i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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