DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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