I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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