he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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