i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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