I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
