A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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