pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
