I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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