Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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