but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
