I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
