I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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