My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I touched a dick in church today
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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