And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
zippers are such a cool invention
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
