turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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