On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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