was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
