I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Oh god it's open bar.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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